Reveal

My dearest Joey,

One day, I will disappear completely. The letters will mean nothing. The world will get tired of me. You will get tired of me. I will get tired of myself. And I, I will never get tired of you. For you, there will be no endings. I will say your name over and over like a refrain, like a prayer to no one. That I’ll be a flower the one you’ll never pick, I’m will endure the breathless waiting till boundaries disappear.

With nothing to do, I make new constellations. Images of you as I remember--dancing, sitting, walking. There are stars from a different view but still, I see nothing but you. Bloooming like a flower, swaying like a leaf. I once watched you sleep beside me. It was dark and that darkness is deeper now. Tonight in my dreams I will see you.I need you. I can feel right here beside me.Only to know that you're mine.Like a kite, I’ve given myself up to the wind, and make friends with the sun. Confused with the birds with strange and distant voyages. But it is you that ties that thread and holds me down. Like a kite, I will forever hold your hand and with the burning longing in your hands, I surrender

I will never get tired of you. For you, there will be no endings. I will say your name over and over like a refrain, a prayer to no one. I know I will never get far, and there’s no need for my return. Only travellers leave, I've never been a traveller, for I have never left, I'm lost simply, willing to be in a place tha I’ve never been. And will never be, of all destinations. I longed to be lost in the fields of gray hair. Lost upon your touch, cause you’re already mine. You are my will live. My life started when I loved you and that’s how I want it to end

Yours forever,

Dice

Weekend in New England

• Last night, I waved goodbye
• Now--it seems years I'm back in the city
• Where nothing is clear
• But thoughts of me--holding you
• Bringing us near
• And tell me
• When will our eyes meet
• When can I touch you
• When will this strong yearning end
• And when will I hold you again?
• Time in New England Took me away
• To long rocky beaches --and you, by the bay
• We started a story
• Whose end must now wait
• And, tell me
• When will our eyes meet
• When can I touch you
• When will this strong yearning end
• And when will I hold you again?
• I feel the change comin' --
• I feel the wind blow I feel brave and daring!
• I feel my blood flow
• With you I could bring out
• All the love that I have --With you there's a heaven
• So Earth ain't so bad And tell me When will our eyes meet
• When can I touch you
• When will this strong yearning end
• And when will I hold you … again … again?

Astounding Dilemma

Expect the most unexpected.

The events were too fast. It happened swiftly that I wasn't able to recognize my path. I was overly controlled my my feelings. I just see that bigger picture of it, not the simple details which makes everything complicated, worse, hurting. I'm too good to accept favors without expecting anything in return. I'm always like that, fo as long as i have the time, I will devote my time to someone who needs myself very badly.

Contrary to what other people said about me, I'm not that inconsiderate. It's that i'm acting like I'm one. But the truth of the matter is.. mataay lang talaga ako.

Minsan ko ng ipinangako sa sarili ko na I will never let this weakness control my life. Especially now that I'm in the most crucial part of my studies. I don't have to blame anybody. Afterall, feelings ang pinag-uusapan dito. Damdamin in other words. Halos ilang buwan din akong nagmukmok kung bakit wala akong lovelife. At sa di malamang kadahilanan, tinanggap ko yun.

But there are events that would remind you love back the peson you thought nakalimutan mo na. Hindi mo maiwasang maalala ang mga sandaling hawak niya ang mundo mo. Hindi mo iisipin ang mga sandaling pinaiyak ka niya.

When Joey revealed to me that he is having an affair with someone, Tinanggap ko ito ng buong-buo. Although nasaktan ako, na para bang matatalo pa ang mga bagyong dumaan sa Luzon the pat weeks. Napag-iisip-isip ko na its about time to let go of him. Let go na wala nang kami, wala ng tayo. Magkalimutan na! Bawal maging friends, bawal mag contact at iba pa.

Sa kabilang banda, naiisip ko rin kung paano na siya kung wal ako? I don't want to blame myself kung mabagsak siya sa course niya.

Peo maninindiganako this time. PINILI NIYA ANG IBA, PWES, WALA NG MAMAMAGITAN SA AMING DALAWA. MATIRA NA LANG ANG MATIBAY...

I HOPE KAYA KO 'TONG PANINDIGAN..

AMEN.

Because I'm just a Tutor at wala ng Iba pa.

Today is just another Dejavu. I can't remember when it happened. But the events were predictable, and somehow the emotions were exactly the same. A year or so, I felt the same way. I'm jealous why those people you considered so special are the ones who actually take you for granted. I'm mad because I cannot admit the reality that things will never be the same again; that at the end of the day, it would be my loss if i'll continue to pretend that i will not get hurt in the end.

Ewan ko ba kung bakit hindi magawang magalit o kamuhian man lang siya. Hindi ko pa rin matanggap na we can never be together. Galit ako because i still love him kahit alam kong masasaktan lang ako. If love is sweeter the secont time around, then mas masakit then ito the 2nd time around. pabalik balik ko mang isulat to dito, at kahit ilang space pa ang maubos ko sa kakasulat ng litseng feelings kong ito, i would still act tanga, gaga, boba..et al.

I dont't know bakit hindi ako dinalaw ng antok kagabi. Hindi ko alam kong bakit iniisip ko siya lagi. Hindi ko alam kong bakit ayaw niya magtext, o talagang magtetext lang sya pagkailangan niya ako. Why am I complaining? Gaga pala ako eh, Kaya lang naman ako pumayag maging tutor niya kasi, gusto ko lang tulungan siaya. Secondary na yung mapalapit sa kanya. Sa pagiging lukaret ko, hindi ko na inisip na tao pa rin ako, at kahit ano pang masasakit na nangyari sa aming dalawa, maari pa ring magbalik ang aking damdamin para sa kanya.

Gusto kong umiyak kagabi kasi hindi ko pa rin matanggap na may mahal na siyang iba. Yes, serious talaga na meron na siya. I don't want to ask, because hindi ko business mang usisa sa personal niyang buhay. At professional yung relationship namin sa isa't isa. Sa makatuwid, I'm just a tutor. at wala akong karapatang, magtanong.

Minsan, tinatanong ko kay Lord, kung bakit ba ako naging bakla. I'm not shy kung bakit. Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit hindi ako pwedeng mahalin. Bakit hindi pwede maging kami. Kung matuturuan ko lang ang puso kong maging somebody who can love another individual na hindi labag sa mata ng Diyos at maa ng tao, matagal ko na sanang ginawa. Kailangan ko lang daw magtiyaga, pero hanggang kailan? hanggang kailan ako masasaktan, hanggang kailan ako magdurusa.

Ang dami ko ng isinakripisyo para sa kanya. Becaue naniniwala ako sa unconditional love. Wala akong hinininging kapalit, but hindi ko maiwasang magselos at masaktan.

Bakit hindi ako pwedeng lumigaya, dahil ba tutor lang ako?

Love is sweeter the second time around

There are things in life that you cannot hold on forever, no matter how much you fight for it. Sometimes destiny isn't always good, it becomes playful. When you meet someone you learned to love, you thought that it was destiny who made your paths cross. But what if making your paths cross is just part of the game that the playful destiny create? Making you realize in the end that the person you thought that was destined for you wasn’t really meant to stay, but only destined to make you feel loved and leave you when you've already fallen..."

Here we go again. I'd like to believe that i have moved on, but I was wrong. All these time I thought that he was already buried in the grave. I thought I don't need him. And I thought..... I pretended to be alright and okay. True, there were times that I was able to convinced myself that at long last, he's no longer part of me. But along the line where i thought that i have to discover myself, he was still a big part of me. I would not say that I cannot live without him for it is never true. I would say life is happier with him.

I never complained why all these things happened. Why I met him, and worse why i fell in love with him. Yes, He was my first love. He was the one who made me feel that i have the right to love, to be happy. And he was also the one who took those rights away from me. For months, I cursed him, And I regret the day that i met him. There were so many people involve in the story. I have offended so many people and dprived them the right to apologized.

But old sayings is always true, First love never dies.It still burns like a midnight candle. It still lights my path towards happiness. I don't know much on how to define happiness, all i know is that i'm hapy with him.

There were still issues left unanswered. Though it hurts, and it almost shattered my world, I accepted that everything happens in me, nmay it be positive or negative-- they all happen for a reason.

Today, we're still going out together. We still did the things we used to do before. We still care for each other. I accepted his offer to by his tutor. I accepted it because i want to be happy again. I want to feel love the second time around. I want to see him and be there for him in times he need me most. I want to be with him throughout his academic journey. I'm not afraid that in the long run, i would be left behind. I'm not afraid because i'm happy. I'm not afraid because at least i experienced how to love. I'm not afraid if he will love me bac, because I'm not expecting anything in return.

The only thing I do is to live with my dream and desire that he is mina and mine only. I want to assume that we are lovers. That he is commited to me and so do i. I want to assume that he rides me home because he wants me to be safe from harm. I want to tell him that i love him, but how can I, if he's only a dream that will never come true.
Today, I love him. Tomorrow i still love him and for the days more to come.

sophomoric fever is over

I don't know on how on hell did i pass my communication courses.I feared and endlessly worried on how to balance everything last sem, and gotcha, ! i made it. And at long last, sophomoric fever is over. A step higher this time. With four majors, and some boring electives, I can plan out already how to commit a suicide in case things won't work out for me. I have to read a million pages to pass my courses, and oopppss.. i hate reading. its the worst thing that i can ever do. other than that, i am more worried on how to get millions of pesos for photocopies, books, printing and too many others to mention. humm....

Another challenge , another sem, another year, another beginning. i hope matapos na ang lahat, because the more i think of it, iniisip ko pa lang, kumakalam na ang sikmura ko.

holding on a memory

I tried not to let him go, i tried to hold on him, I tried and tried until every part of me was broken. I tried hard to remain the same, but it just didn't work out.

While i still have dignity left for myself, i have to forget all these things that i have in mind. I have to forget his laughs, his jokes and boring moments with him. I have to forget his image, his visage and his physionomy. I just have to.

He came into my life just after a heartbreak. The events were so fast that i forgot that i was still in the stage of healing and recovering. I did not noticed that i'm already learning to like him. And it was not my intention to like him. It was by accident that i felt something for her. I thought about him every now and then. I became so freak and tried to avoid falling for him. I was so blind for the past months trying to forget him.

It's been a year, and finally i let go of him. He was just a memory. He was just an instrument to make me realize that life is not about holding on all the time, sometimes, we have to give up and forget. Forget the things that will never happen. Forget, that i have to be loved, cause i was born to be alone.. by all means alone.

Maalaala Mo Kaya??

I'm ruthless. I don't want to be one, but i am.

May mga pagkakataon lang talaga na halos di makain ng aso ang ugali ko. I admit that. I'm used to the reaction of people asking KINSA NA SI ROLAND DICEN? ah, katong maldita. snob. et al... I can't blame them, that's how they look at me. That's there first impression. At nirespeto ko yun. It takes time to know one. Kung sa bagay wala pang nakaalam sa tunay na storya ng buhay ko. maaring marami akong kaibigan, which i believe kokonti lang., peeo ni isa sa kanila walang alam sa tunay na pagkatao ko. As much as i want to tell them, but i can't. natatakot ako na baka mawala sila sa buhayko. Although i don't care sa reactions nila, pero takot pa rin ako. takot akong mawalan ng mga taong in one way or another nagpapaligaya sa akin.

Lumaki ako sa mundong higit pa sa kwentong pang MMK. Kinagisnan ko na lahat ng pang-aapi sa buhay. gusto ko mang isulat dito,pero hindi ko magawa, anybody can read and get access of this. Hindi koikinahihiya ang kwento ko. I'm proud because i reach this far. I'm proud because ni minsan hindi ako sumuko sa laban ng buahy. I'm proud dahil nakita ko kung gaano ako katatag sa lahat ng dagok. At wala akong pinagsisihan na napagdaanan ko ang nga karanasang yaon, because i wouldn't be who i am today.

Hindi man marami ang naaalala ko sa aking nakaraan, pero mnakikita ko pa rin kung paano ko hinubog ang aking sarili bilang isang tao. Grade One ako noon. I'm behind ng isang taon sa normal grade one student. I got sick na halos hindi ako makalakad. sabi ng mama ko, milagro raw na nakalakad ako after inflected with polio. Alalang-alala ko pa kung paano ko binigkas ang mga unang abakada. masaya ako when i'm in school. kasi lago akong tinatawag ng teacher ko. May mga pagkakataon ring pumalpak ako. Minsan, oral recitation noon ng abakada na walng kopya. kaso, hindi ko memoryado ang abakada. nagtago ako sa ilalim ng desk at umiyak.. typical grade one nga.. pagkatapos ng taon, masaya naman, first honors ako, dahil laging absent ang dapat sanang first honors. buti na lang always present ako.

Grade two. Kaklase ko ang lahat ng mga matatalino sa school. section A. hindi ko masyadong nagustuhan ang buhay ko rito. Ang daming favoritism. Ang mga classmates ko laging nagdadala ng mga mama nila sa school. kulang na lang papasukin ang mga magulang nila sa loob ng classroom. Tapos, ang teacher ko, laging tumatanggap ng mga kung ano anong ibinibigay ng mga magulang. Corrpution talaga. first hon. men. ako. Ok lang at least hindi buntot ng buntot ang mama ko sa school.

Grade three. Naging teachers pet ako. halos gawin aakong katulong ng teacher ko. kulang na lang sabihin niyang punta ka sa bahay ko, umuwi kasi maid ko sa probinsya. akalain niyo pinabibili niya ako ng mga ititinda niya sa loob ng classroom during class hours. pero ayos lang, pag may exam sa ang mga classmates ko, perfect naman ako. galing noh? dahil gahaman din ang teacher ko sa binibigay ng mga parents, naging 2nd hon. men. ako.

Grade 4 ko nalaman na girlalou ako. unang tumibok ang puso ko kay Janus Cedrick Grapa. cute pa niya noon. hindi gaya ngayon na mukha niya parang si fernando poe..... ipagpapatuloy

thoughtless

to my dearest piggy bank ROY

hindi mo lang alam kung gaano ako kabaliw sayo. i don't know kung bakit ang laki ng paghanga ko sayo. basta ang alam ko masaya ako pag nakita kita. sayang nga lang first year ka pa. sobrang bata mo para sa akin. pero ang sabi nila age doesnt matter. pero, i'd like to refute on it. age matters talaga. ewan ko ba, wala lang talaga ankong maiisip na isusulat. basta ang alam ko honor ako. at may praktis kami mamaya sa filipino. nakakapagod nga eh. pero gusto kong matulog, pero, huwag na muna. kakain pa ako. baw...

A True Rizalian

I'm always fascinated on how Ambeth Ocampo write articles about our national hero Rizal. When I took the subject Rizal, I only knew one thing about him. He is our national hero- that's all. As the semester goes by and passes by swiftly. I became interested of the hero's life, works and writings. First, a single book, then another, after the other, some more. Until questions bloat up in my mind out of curiousity and confusions. Is Rizal gay? was he guilty of the sedition? was he innocent? and so many others. It came to a point where i asked, was he an idealist or a realist? confusing isn't it?

yesterday was the rizal day of my student life, if i may call it. the week is about to end. tired and exhausted of the major projects and assignments, I still find time reading things about Rizal. First, yesterday was the day when i completely read the book of Zaide. Then, I watch the Rizal the movie with my classmates, late night I watch the Calamba Joe, again, a musical play about Rizal.

Rizal represents two sides of my life as a reflection. One side is the side of education and accomplishments. He instilled to every filipinos the love of education and the importance of being educated. the other side is the weakness in a relationship. the way i look at it.he failed in almost all his relationships. or if not, he would ran away at the point of intimacy.

Rizal was not just a hero, he was more of an ordinary mortal. like you he failed, hurt himself and move on.

hanggang pangarap na lang talaga ang lahat

i want to believe na ang lahat ng bagay na nangyayari sa mundo ay may dahilan. Ang pag-ihip ng hangin, ang pag-agos ng ulan, ang pagtawa natin, ang pagluha at lahat lahat ng emosyon ng tao. Lahat ng mga nakikita natin sa araw-araw ay may dahilan, mga palatandaan at ang mga taong maaring babago at magiging parte ng ating buhay. gusto kong maniwala sa lahat ngmga ito. On the other side of the coin, naiisip ko, papaano ako maniniwala sa mgs ito na alam ko mismo na may mga bagay talagang hindi pwedeng mangyari. Hindi ng lahat ng gugustuhin at nanaisin natin ay magkatotoo.

For the past months, naisip ko how thankful am i na nakilala si edgardo agustin navarro. I saw something in him na ako mismo di ko kayang maipaliwanag. Pinilit kong makilala pa siya ng husto, pero takot na itong puso kong magmahal pa muli. takot na baka isang araw, i will be in dark corner na walanmg patutunguhan. Masakit mang isipin pero ito ang katotohananng kailangan kong harapin. At habang maaga pa lang, dapat tigilan ko na ang nararamdaman. I'm not angry to anybody, pero naniniwala ako na kung para sa iyo ang isang bagay, it will really come. wag mong hanapin, hintayin mo lang.