Weekend in New England

• Last night, I waved goodbye
• Now--it seems years I'm back in the city
• Where nothing is clear
• But thoughts of me--holding you
• Bringing us near
• And tell me
• When will our eyes meet
• When can I touch you
• When will this strong yearning end
• And when will I hold you again?
• Time in New England Took me away
• To long rocky beaches --and you, by the bay
• We started a story
• Whose end must now wait
• And, tell me
• When will our eyes meet
• When can I touch you
• When will this strong yearning end
• And when will I hold you again?
• I feel the change comin' --
• I feel the wind blow I feel brave and daring!
• I feel my blood flow
• With you I could bring out
• All the love that I have --With you there's a heaven
• So Earth ain't so bad And tell me When will our eyes meet
• When can I touch you
• When will this strong yearning end
• And when will I hold you … again … again?

Astounding Dilemma

Expect the most unexpected.

The events were too fast. It happened swiftly that I wasn't able to recognize my path. I was overly controlled my my feelings. I just see that bigger picture of it, not the simple details which makes everything complicated, worse, hurting. I'm too good to accept favors without expecting anything in return. I'm always like that, fo as long as i have the time, I will devote my time to someone who needs myself very badly.

Contrary to what other people said about me, I'm not that inconsiderate. It's that i'm acting like I'm one. But the truth of the matter is.. mataay lang talaga ako.

Minsan ko ng ipinangako sa sarili ko na I will never let this weakness control my life. Especially now that I'm in the most crucial part of my studies. I don't have to blame anybody. Afterall, feelings ang pinag-uusapan dito. Damdamin in other words. Halos ilang buwan din akong nagmukmok kung bakit wala akong lovelife. At sa di malamang kadahilanan, tinanggap ko yun.

But there are events that would remind you love back the peson you thought nakalimutan mo na. Hindi mo maiwasang maalala ang mga sandaling hawak niya ang mundo mo. Hindi mo iisipin ang mga sandaling pinaiyak ka niya.

When Joey revealed to me that he is having an affair with someone, Tinanggap ko ito ng buong-buo. Although nasaktan ako, na para bang matatalo pa ang mga bagyong dumaan sa Luzon the pat weeks. Napag-iisip-isip ko na its about time to let go of him. Let go na wala nang kami, wala ng tayo. Magkalimutan na! Bawal maging friends, bawal mag contact at iba pa.

Sa kabilang banda, naiisip ko rin kung paano na siya kung wal ako? I don't want to blame myself kung mabagsak siya sa course niya.

Peo maninindiganako this time. PINILI NIYA ANG IBA, PWES, WALA NG MAMAMAGITAN SA AMING DALAWA. MATIRA NA LANG ANG MATIBAY...

I HOPE KAYA KO 'TONG PANINDIGAN..

AMEN.

Because I'm just a Tutor at wala ng Iba pa.

Today is just another Dejavu. I can't remember when it happened. But the events were predictable, and somehow the emotions were exactly the same. A year or so, I felt the same way. I'm jealous why those people you considered so special are the ones who actually take you for granted. I'm mad because I cannot admit the reality that things will never be the same again; that at the end of the day, it would be my loss if i'll continue to pretend that i will not get hurt in the end.

Ewan ko ba kung bakit hindi magawang magalit o kamuhian man lang siya. Hindi ko pa rin matanggap na we can never be together. Galit ako because i still love him kahit alam kong masasaktan lang ako. If love is sweeter the secont time around, then mas masakit then ito the 2nd time around. pabalik balik ko mang isulat to dito, at kahit ilang space pa ang maubos ko sa kakasulat ng litseng feelings kong ito, i would still act tanga, gaga, boba..et al.

I dont't know bakit hindi ako dinalaw ng antok kagabi. Hindi ko alam kong bakit iniisip ko siya lagi. Hindi ko alam kong bakit ayaw niya magtext, o talagang magtetext lang sya pagkailangan niya ako. Why am I complaining? Gaga pala ako eh, Kaya lang naman ako pumayag maging tutor niya kasi, gusto ko lang tulungan siaya. Secondary na yung mapalapit sa kanya. Sa pagiging lukaret ko, hindi ko na inisip na tao pa rin ako, at kahit ano pang masasakit na nangyari sa aming dalawa, maari pa ring magbalik ang aking damdamin para sa kanya.

Gusto kong umiyak kagabi kasi hindi ko pa rin matanggap na may mahal na siyang iba. Yes, serious talaga na meron na siya. I don't want to ask, because hindi ko business mang usisa sa personal niyang buhay. At professional yung relationship namin sa isa't isa. Sa makatuwid, I'm just a tutor. at wala akong karapatang, magtanong.

Minsan, tinatanong ko kay Lord, kung bakit ba ako naging bakla. I'm not shy kung bakit. Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit hindi ako pwedeng mahalin. Bakit hindi pwede maging kami. Kung matuturuan ko lang ang puso kong maging somebody who can love another individual na hindi labag sa mata ng Diyos at maa ng tao, matagal ko na sanang ginawa. Kailangan ko lang daw magtiyaga, pero hanggang kailan? hanggang kailan ako masasaktan, hanggang kailan ako magdurusa.

Ang dami ko ng isinakripisyo para sa kanya. Becaue naniniwala ako sa unconditional love. Wala akong hinininging kapalit, but hindi ko maiwasang magselos at masaktan.

Bakit hindi ako pwedeng lumigaya, dahil ba tutor lang ako?

Love is sweeter the second time around

There are things in life that you cannot hold on forever, no matter how much you fight for it. Sometimes destiny isn't always good, it becomes playful. When you meet someone you learned to love, you thought that it was destiny who made your paths cross. But what if making your paths cross is just part of the game that the playful destiny create? Making you realize in the end that the person you thought that was destined for you wasn’t really meant to stay, but only destined to make you feel loved and leave you when you've already fallen..."

Here we go again. I'd like to believe that i have moved on, but I was wrong. All these time I thought that he was already buried in the grave. I thought I don't need him. And I thought..... I pretended to be alright and okay. True, there were times that I was able to convinced myself that at long last, he's no longer part of me. But along the line where i thought that i have to discover myself, he was still a big part of me. I would not say that I cannot live without him for it is never true. I would say life is happier with him.

I never complained why all these things happened. Why I met him, and worse why i fell in love with him. Yes, He was my first love. He was the one who made me feel that i have the right to love, to be happy. And he was also the one who took those rights away from me. For months, I cursed him, And I regret the day that i met him. There were so many people involve in the story. I have offended so many people and dprived them the right to apologized.

But old sayings is always true, First love never dies.It still burns like a midnight candle. It still lights my path towards happiness. I don't know much on how to define happiness, all i know is that i'm hapy with him.

There were still issues left unanswered. Though it hurts, and it almost shattered my world, I accepted that everything happens in me, nmay it be positive or negative-- they all happen for a reason.

Today, we're still going out together. We still did the things we used to do before. We still care for each other. I accepted his offer to by his tutor. I accepted it because i want to be happy again. I want to feel love the second time around. I want to see him and be there for him in times he need me most. I want to be with him throughout his academic journey. I'm not afraid that in the long run, i would be left behind. I'm not afraid because i'm happy. I'm not afraid because at least i experienced how to love. I'm not afraid if he will love me bac, because I'm not expecting anything in return.

The only thing I do is to live with my dream and desire that he is mina and mine only. I want to assume that we are lovers. That he is commited to me and so do i. I want to assume that he rides me home because he wants me to be safe from harm. I want to tell him that i love him, but how can I, if he's only a dream that will never come true.
Today, I love him. Tomorrow i still love him and for the days more to come.